[ Children yelling ]
[ Yelling continues ]
This is an outrage!
This a violationof our human rights!
Dude, what the hellis going on?
You didn't hearthe announcement?
They just canceledColumbus Day.
We have to come to schoolon Monday!
They can't do this!We made plans!
Some asshole wentand convinced the school board
that Columbus Day is racistand should be eliminated.
You can't take awaya day off.
We're justinnocent children!
Dude. What asshole wouldtake away a holiday?
My name is Peter Galtman.
I am the head ofthe school calendar committee.
I have decided the school
will not celebrateColumbus Day this year.
I realize this is
a hot-button issuefor many families,
but one parent in particular
has really swayed my opinionwith his passion --
Mr. Randy Marsh.
Mr. Marsh pointed out to methe hypocrisy
of glorifyinga genocidal murderer.
And Mr. Marsh is, right now,also working
on having the Columbus statuetaken down in Canyon City.
Come on, everybody!
Let's takethis [bleep] thing down!
Take it down!
Columbus was a mass murderer!
[ Chanting ]Tear it down!Tear it down!
[ Grunting ]
Okay, it's not working.
[ Grunts ]We almost got it, guys!
Come on!Throw the rope, Stan!
Good. That's good!
Okay,hit the gas, Nelson!
We got it,everybody!
To hell with you,Columbus, you --
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Crashes ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Dude, did you knowit's your dad
who's getting the schoolto cancel Columbus Day?
Yeah. Dude, I don't knowwhat's going on.
He's really seriousabout this.
Well, you got todo something.
If you get him to back down,
maybe the schoolwill reconsider.
I can't get himto back down.
Stan, I have to dealwith my mom
doing shit like thisall the time,
but she's never triedto take away a holiday.
I'm your best friend,but I can't have your back
when the guysfind out about this.
I'll try, okay?
[ Door closes ]I got to go.
Okay, Stan.you got your phone?
We need to calleveryone on this list.
They all livein the same city.
Dad, listen, you needto ease off a little here, okay?
Stan, it's not rightthat people celebrate a man
who wiped outmillions of people
for his own glory.Let's go.
Hello, is this, uh,Howard Peterson?
You live in Columbus, Ohio.Is that correct?
Yeah?You racist piece of shit.
You heard me.
You're anintolerant pig.
Oh, you're not?
You just choose to live in acity named for ethnic cleansing?
No [bleep] you.
Rename your city, asshole.
Okay, next one.Come on. Get calling, Stan.
Dad, come on.
We all get your point,
but don't you thinkyou're overdoing it?
You have to overdoit in today's society, Stan.
You can't be nuancedand subtle anymore
or else critics go, "Wow,what was the point of that?"
Hi, Francis Melman?
Hey! How are you,you [bleep] racist?
Reporter:Christopher Columbus --
Is he someonewho should be appreciated?
Or was hejust a douche?
For years. Columbus Circlehas been a landmark
and photogenic intersectionin New York City.
So it came as a surprise
when someone defecatedon the statue earlier today.
I'm joined now by the manwho did the actual defecating,
Mr. Randy Marshof South Park, Colorado.
Mr. Marsh, you took a dumpon the beloved statue that
has been an icon herein the city for years.
What was your reasoning?
Well, I justhave a problem
with the racist peopleof this city.
"Yee-haw!I'm from New York.
I drive arounda big circle
that celebrates a guywho murdered Native Americans.
So, you're doing thisbecause of indigenous peoples
and their feelings?
I don't careif people get indigenous.
I'll crap all overtheir statues.
I'm the one who's indigenousthat this landmark even exists!
Uh, uh...ba-back to you, Tom.
It ain't right.
They make youwork like a dog
and then just tear awayyour one day off in October
like you'rea piece of trash.
Boo! Boo!Nobody likes you, Stan.
Look, I tried talkingto him, all right?
He's just really againstall the things Columbus did.
Does anybody knowwhat Columbus actually did?
Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got usa day off school.
That's what matters.
No. No, wait, guys.Maybe that's it.
When I'm dealingwith my mom,
sometimes it works to beon her side for a minute.
Maybe we should find outall the things
people find offensiveabout Columbus and --
And then totally actlike we care.
I like it, Kyle.
I'll just look up"Columbus, offensive,inflammatory..."
Yeah, this is sweet.
It's like that movie wherethe dude pretended to beon the monster's side.
You know, with the guyand the chick that hadthe wife beater on,
but her boobs were sweatyso you could see them.
Oh, I lovethat movie!
Yeah, this isa lot like that.
What'd you find, Kyle?
Dang it!There's nothing?
Stan, can I talk to youfor a minute?
What? What?What the hell was that?
Not now, Stan.
I'm working on a proposal
to change British Colombiato just British.
But, Dad, Kylefound a picture on Instagram.
It pretty much looks like you
dressed as Columbusat a Halloween party.
Where did you get that?
If you hate Columbusso much,
why'd youdress up like him?
Look, that wasa long time ago. Okay?
Just a dumbHalloween costume.
Yeah, but...here's you
dressed as Columbusat a formal dinner,
and here's youdressed as Columbus
at a football game.
And you as Columbuson St. Patrick's day.
Look, I was younger!We were all younger.
It was another time.
You have to understand,it was 2013.
Everyone was stokedon Columbus back then.
Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus.
If you guys foundthose pictures online,
it's only a matter of timebefore everyone else does.
People won't careabout what I do now.
They'll just see me
as a thoughtless,indigenous son of a bitch.
Randy, do you mind cleaning outthe garage like I asked?
What's the point, Sharon?
Soon they're gonna becoming after me.
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[ Chatter continues
All right. Everyone's here.Let's do this.
Here you go,just like I said.
$100 cash.No questions asked.
Are we good?
Good.No talking. Perfect.
Okay.Let's get this over with.
Do not talk of thisto anyone.
All right, everybody!Hey, thanks for coming.
If, uh, I can haveyour attention, please,
I think we're readyto get started.
Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know
none of thiswas really necessary.
For DNAandMe testing,
you can just swab the insideof your mouth yourself
and send it in the mail.
Yeah, I know, but I just --I was really excited about it,
wanted everyoneto witness my test.
Well, to each their own,I suppose.
All right.Open wide.
Okay. I'll get thisback to the lab
and get the results to youas soon as possible.
Okay, great.I'm very interested to see
what those resultshave to say.
[Distorted] Listen to me carefully.
The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day
is a fraud.
Who is this?
You will go online and search Instagram
for images of Randy Marsh.
I most certainlywill not.
Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake.
You will be taken down with him when he is exposed.
What's he saying?
We know where you live,
and we know how to make you suffer.
Now you listen here,Mr. Man.
The Galtmansdo not believe
in social mediaor the Internet.
It's all fake news.Fake news.
Then speak with Marsh yourself.
The truth is out there.
Mrph. Rm rmhmhmrm mrph rmhmhm.
Hmmm. Sounds likemaybe the Galtmans
need to check outRandy Marsh.
Shelley,we've got an emergency!
We're getting rid of all theColumbus stuff in this house!
Any Columbus costumes,Columbus pictures --
They all got to go!
I don't give a shitabout Columbus.
Sharon,Peter Galtman called.
He sounds suspicious.We got to get rid
of all our Columbus shot glassesand coffee cups.
Where are they?
Your Columbus shot glassesand coffee cups
are in that cupboard.
Shot glasses, coffee cups,towels, plates --
What about the Columbus figurinesalt and pepper shakers?
I don't know whereyou put them, Randy.
Sharon, do you knowwhat they'll do to us
when they find out how stokedwe were on Columbus?
You were stoked on Columbus,Randy. Not me.
Did you forgetour wedding?!
That's you right there,
standing therewith a big smile on your face.
You didn't sayanything about it
being insensitive then,did you?
I actually wasa little upset
that you dressed up as Columbusfor our wedding,
but I decided --Oh, now!
You say that now, 'causeeveryone's freaking out.
But you were right there,going along with it!
They're gonna be comingafter you, too, Sharon!
So you can just wipe thatindigenous look off your face.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh! That could bemy DNA results!
Here, take this stuffout back!
Oh, no, no, no,no, no, no.
I've never felt so aliveuntil now.
Thank you.Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you.
[Distorted] Listen carefully if you want to live.
You will make this Monday a school holiday.
I spoke with Mr. Marsh,and he denied any wrong doing.
Of course he did!
That's what liars do!
I don't think you're beingintimidating enough.
Yeah, get meaner, Kenny. Meaner like how, dude?
CARTMAN: [Distorted] I don't know, like -- like maybe say --
Like talk about cutting off his dick or something.
We're gonna cut off your dick!
Kyle: [Distorted] No, dude. That's too far.
Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick.
Just give me the phone.
Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done.
Protect him and you will pay, too.
Time is running out.
[ Normal voice ] Jesus!
Sharon, have you seenmy Columbus staff and orb?
I have not.
Sharon, Galtmancalled again.
Somebody is out there trying toget me in trouble.
Randy, why don't you justadmit to people
that maybe you weresomewhat overly excited
about Columbus in the past.
Everyone was excitedabout Columbus!
For some reason, people are justpointing fingers at me.
Just because he's suddenlynot cool now
doesn't mean I'm gonna bethe F'ing scapegoat!
I got to burnthis stuff.
Oh, God damn it.
I wrote you a songto express my feelings for you.
Will youget out of here?!
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ And then he kissed me
I didn't kiss you'cause I like you.
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ And then he kissed me
[ Vocalizing ]
♪ And the sunbegan to shine ♪
That's it.Get off my property!
Randy,I cannot quit you.
Get off my land,you piece of shit!
Don't post that.
Do not...post that.
It's over, Eric.
We have to come to schoolon Monday.
Just face it.
I'm not facing anything.We still have time.
There has to bea way we can --
Dude, there's nothingwe can do, all right?
Oh, okay. I see.
Is that what Columbus did?Just give up?
On his dream?No.
Columbus believed that kidsshould have a day off school.
And even when his own countrywouldn't support his cause,
Columbus said, "Fine.I'll go find a new land
where kidscan have that day off."
Eric, just let it go.
And when Columbussailed to distant places
only to find peoplealready there
who said, "No!Stay off our land!
We want our kidsto have to go to school!"
He said, "No!It's just one day in October.
They need a break!"
You guys can all give up,but I'm not.
Because in 1492, Columbusgot us all a day off school.
With just three ships,he sailed over
so we could havesome 'me time' in October.
And, yes,millions were slaughtered
and throats were cut.
But if we don't getthat day off school,
then for what?
Come on, guys.
There's something elsewe can try.
Sharon, good news!What?!
The people from the DNA testcalled!
They're on their way over.You want to come down?
I'm doing something.
These results couldbe really interesting.
Oh, God damn it!What the hell do you want?
I want you to stoprunning from yourself.
We could be so happy.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Crap, it's them!
Just a second! Be right there!Thanks!
Get over here!
I don't have any feelingsfor you. Do you understand?
But, Randy,what about the --
No! No buts!There's nothing here.
I'm not in love with you,got it?!
Yes, I understand.
Good. Now leave.
Hi. Sorry.You guys have my results?
Well, Mr. Marsh,we came because
there was an irregularitywith your test.
What, you found something thereyou didn't expect to find?
What is it?
Well, it's justa little too odd.
We need to dothe test again.
Do it again?That's not fair.
Mr. Marsh, please,
if we could just haveone more sample.
We want to beabsolutely sure
of what we found.
Give me -- Give meone sec. I'll be right back.
Okay. Okay.All set. Let's do this.
Mr. Marsh, we were hopingto do a more precise test.
It's betterfor harder cases like this,
but it is an anal swabthis time.
An anal swab?
Give me..tw-- three minutes.
[ Whispering ]Hey, where'd you go?
Mr. Marsh, we're ina bit of a hurry
if you don't mind.
[ Normal voice ] Oh.Oh, shit.
All right, it's clear.Bring him in.
Move your ass,Galtman!
This is a violationof my rights.
Just shut upand watch
what someone postedon their Instagram!
I most certainlywill not!
If you want me to look atthe Internet, I will die first.
It's fake news.
That's why we had ittransferred to VHS.
Oh.VHS is fine.
Take offhis blindfold.
Get off my land, you piece of shit!
Don't post that.
Oh, Mr. Marsh.
Oh, hey!How are you?
Good.What are you up to?
Well, uh, we did get your DNAresults back this morning.
Would you like to go over them?
Oh, you did?Oh, great.
Sure.Why not? I'm here.
Let's, uh...Let's do that.
Man: All right, Mr. Marsh,
here's yourDNAandMe portfolio.
This showsthat we actually found
a mix of a few thingsin your regional ancestry.
Really? Like Native American?!Like -- Like a little bit?!
No, we didn't find any trace
of any Native American DNAin your test...
But as you can see here,we found
that you're about43% Northern European,
and 18% Southwest Asian.
In fact, your genetic profilemost closely matches...
your standardCaucasian British person.
[ Sighs ]
And you mightbe interested to know
that you are actually2.8 % Neanderthal,
which is fairly high.
What the hell is that about?
Well, the Neanderthalswere actually a species
that was wiped outby homo sapiens.
Wiped out...all of my people?
Yes, but you see,because of some cross breeding,
some people like youstill possess
Isn't that interesting?
Cross breeding?You mean rape.
You're telling methat my ancestors
were rapedand then eradicated by you --
The Earth wasn't big enoughfor Neanderthals,
So your ancestorsjust got rid of them, huh?!
Well, to hell with all of you!
Well, well.Mr. Marsh.
I'd like to have a word, please.
You find this funny,Galtman?!
What'd I do?
Nobody had the guts
to tell me what happenedto my people, huh?
Get the hell out of here!
I brought my parents overso you could meet them.
My parents are very okayand cool with us.
Who the hell is that?
Yeah, sure, everyone gang upon the Neanderthal!
Isn't it funny?!
Randy, you must facewho you are.
Stop pretending, Randy.
For once, just allowyourself to feel.
[ Sighs ]
You're right.You're right.
It's only now, when everyone'sbeing so indigenous to me,
That I realize how indigenousI've been acting all along.
I thought being a victimwould solve all my problems.
But being a victimhas a downside, too.
Mr. Galtman,I haven't been honest.
It's time for us allto be honest.
What is a holiday?
But holidays are also meantto be a time to reflect.
Today, I'm happy to announce
that the school calendarcommittee
is reinstating the day off.
[ Cheers and applause ]
But insteadof glorifying anyone,
let us make it a holiday
about the negative feelingsthat we all sometimes feel,
say what we're really thinkingso we can move on.
And so, the second Mondayof October
will still be a holiday.
But instead of Columbus Day,
it will befor ripping on each other
and tearing each other down,
and we will call itIndigenous Peoples Day.
For, perhaps, if we all do itat the same time,
we won't be so indigenousthe rest of the year.
And since this is the secondMonday of October,
let's all embracethe new meaning of the holiday
starting right now.
Do you even know
what indigenous means,you frickin' idiot?
That's the spirit, Dave!Come on!
Everybody, let's just allbe totally indigenous!
Who the hell let this guytalk to the school counsel?
Good one, Kurt.Your wife's a whore.
Come on, everyone!
Indigenous Peoples Day!Let's go for it!
Woman: Shut up,and get off the podium!
Okay.I will in a second, fatso.
All right.Who else?
Come on!Get it out of your system!
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day,everyone.
Suck my asshole.
An undeniable bond is formed between a White man and a Native American man.